♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend." ♪
Hello? Frank's Flowers?
Hey, Frank! Sophia Petrillo here.
Listen, I decided the price you quoted me
on those centerpieces is too high.
So I thought maybe we could make a deal.
Now, my daughter is single.
What do you mean, "Is she easy?"
You're talking about my flesh and blood.
40% off? Oh, you bet she's easy.
Sure, Dorothy'll love that.
OK, Frank. I'll set it up.
Gotta go.
Who was that? A florist.
Guess who just got a terrific deal on flowers for the awards banquet.
Really? Oh, gee, Ma, you know,
ever since the two of us started planning this banquet,
you have been incredible.
I mean, you told me you got a great deal on the flowers,
the caterer, the janitorial service.
Oh, I wish I worked this hard for charity.
You will, Pussycat, you will.
Girls, I just got a letter from my brother, Clayton.
He says he's coming for a visit next week and he has a big surprise.
Oh, that's wonderful. I bet I know what the surprise is, too.
Clayton's met himself a girl, and he wants me to meet her.
Honey, your brother is gay.
Dorothy, I think that gay thing was just a phase he was going through.
You know, like, when Clay was in high school,
all he ever wanted to do was go see gladiator movies.
It's the same kind of thing.
Almost exactly.
Rose, honey, congratulations!
I hear you've been nominated again for the Volunteer of the Year Award.
Yep. Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard Award,
and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me.
Well, she's not gonna do that this year.
This year, I'm finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna win!
Why? Because you worked harder than Agnes?
Because she's dead.
Yep! As a doornail. Dead, dead, dead.
Coffee?
Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Come on, she was 89, and she died in her sleep.
She fell asleep driving the bookmobile.
It was a tragedy. She was my only real competition.
Dead, dead, dead.
Muffin?
(doorbell)
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Clayton! Blanche!
Oh! You're still the handsomest man I know.
And you're still the prettiest thing I ever did see.
Now I know why they call it the "Deep" South.
You remember everybody. Oh, ladies, it is so good to see you again.
Good to see you. All right now, baby brother,
I've waited all week. Where is it? Where's my surprise?
Hello, everyone.
Surprise.
You can just put the luggage over there. OK.
Clay, I don't have any change to tip the driver.
Uh, Blanche... I don't know why you took a cab from the airport.
Blanche... You should've called me. I would've picked you up.
Blanche, this is Doug. He's my friend.
My very special friend. Well, any friend of Clay's is--
Ah-so.
Isn't it wonderful that they became so close
between the airport and here?
I hardly ever speak to my cab drivers.
Rose, Doug is not a cab driver.
No, ma'am. Actually, I'm a policeman.
Oh. Well, what's a policeman doing
bringing fares from the airport?
I know! I bet you do undercover work.
And I'll bet he does it damn well.
You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke,
which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.
Why don't we all go out to the kitchen and get something to drink?
That sounds good. Say, have you ladies known Blanche for a long time?
Oh, yes. You're in luck. She just loves policemen.
Apparently, it's a hereditary trait.
I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste.
Doug is absolutely charming. And funny.
It's not every cop who can do a good Bette Davis impression.
I think I did a great job covering up how upset I am.
You mean, like how you started sobbing
when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?
I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual.
I just don't like him dating men.
You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
There must be homosexuals who date women.
Yeah. They're called lesbians.
Hot damn! It's happened! It's finally happened!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
I take it we now get The Disney Channel.
Even better.
You are looking at the winner of this year's Volunteer Vanguard Award.
Oh, Rose, honey, what are you talking about?
That award isn't going to be given out until Saturday.
I called to confirm our reservations for the banquet
and they said I don't have to pay for my ticket.
The Awards Committee is paying for me. So?
The Awards Committee wants to make sure
that I'll be there to accept the award
It's the only logical explanation. I won!
Oh, Rose, honey, I think you're putting the cart before the horse.
And that's bad?
Look, Rose, I just don't want to see you get hurt.
Oh, Blanche, Doug and I were wondering
what's happening with the sleeping arrangements.
Well, I'll be there in just a moment to get you two settled in.
Now, if you sleepy heads could wait just a...
Sleeping arrangements?
What in hell am I gonna do about the sleeping arrangements?
Well, honey, why can't you sleep on the couch
and give Clayton and Doug your room?
Are you crazy? What will the neighbors think
if they see two men in my bedroom?
They'll think it's Tuesday.
They can sleep in Ma's room and she'll sleep with me.
Oh, Ma doesn't get a say. It doesn't matter what Ma thinks.
Ma's a piece of furniture who has no feelings or opinions.
Nonsense, my little hat rack.
Blanche, I don't understand you.
You can't very well say you've accepted Clayton
unless you're willing to accept the fact that he dates.
Rose is right, and besides, Blanche, in this day and age,
you should be thrilled that he's in a monogamous relationship.
Of course you're right.
I've just gotta stop this overreacting.
Doug and Clayton are two consenting adults.
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
Blanche, it's such a beautiful night, Doug and I are gonna go out for little a walk.
OK. Don't wait up.
Well, enjoy your walk.
I'm fine. I'm OK. I can deal with this.
Oh, look. They're skipping. Oh, God!
Joke! Joke! Just a joke! It's a joke.
I just had the strangest crank call.
Some man wanted to know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra...
and if I could lick my eyebrows.
What did you say? I said no.
I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.
Good news. Clayton and Doug said they'd love to go to the banquet with us.
What? Oh, are you out of what is left of your mind?
Why did you invite them?
I want everybody there for my moment of triumph.
And it'll be a lot of fun. Fun?
Don't you understand? They will be there together.
But, Blanche, they're here together.
Well, Dorothy, that's different. We're talking about going out in public.
Oh, what are people gonna say?
Probably nothing we haven't heard before.
Oh, Clay, I was just telling the girls...
We heard what you were telling them, Blanche,
and I am truly sorry you feel that way.
Will you tell me why you want to put yourself and Doug through this?
You know how people can be.
And if my own sister can't accept our relationship,
what chance would I have with anyone else, right?
Right. No!
No, what I mean... We get what you mean.
Blanche, we don't have to worry about what the world thinks about our relationship.
It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other.
I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over backwards for me.
Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy.
I think it's time you told her, Clayton. Told me what?
I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.
Well, why?
Blanche, we're getting married.
Oh, that's impossible, Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters.
Oh, that's right, you're from the South.
Blanche and Clayton aren't getting married, you airhead.
Clayton and Doug are. Oh.
Oh!
Oh?
It'll be a simple ceremony, just exchanging rings
and affirming our commitment to each other in front of our friends.
I mean, it's not like it's gonna be a big, fancy wedding.
Although we are registered at Neiman Marcus.
Well, you have pulled some stunts in your day, Clayton Hollingsworth,
but this takes the cake.
I cannot believe what I just heard.
I refuse to have any part of this!
Oh, Blanche. Oh!
Blanche!
So, Butch, Sundance...
who gets to throw the bouquet?
And the winner of tonight's Volunteer Vanguard Award
is Rose Nylund.
The crowd goes wild!
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
What a surprise. I'm absolutely speechless.
Except for the one I've prepared.
Laughter from the crowd.
First of all, I would like to thank all the little people
who have made tonight possible.
Thank you, little people.
Smile for the photographers.
Wave to the fans.
Rose, they're about to announce the winner.
I wish Blanche would've come to see me win my award.
Honey, this thing with Doug and Clayton has been pretty rough on her.
Just to bring me up to speed,
it's the brother-marrying- a-gay-cop-thing, right?
That's a big part of it.
I don't see what the problem is.
I think they make a lovely couple.
Well, maybe "lovely" isn't the right word.
They certainly make a husky couple.
Ladies!
I think a toast is in order.
Here's to the woman of the hour.
A woman whose grace and kindness and warmth
and concern for others is an inspiration to us all.
Here's to... Blanche!
And he's mad at her. Think what he's gonna say about me.
Blanche, you don't know how much it means-- I'm not here for you.
I realize this is a very important night for Rose,
and that's why I came. Just don't mind me.
Um... to Rose.
I liked his toast to Blanche better.
May I have your attention, please?
We have now come to the moment you've been waiting for,
but before we hand out the award,
I just want to thank all those people who made this evening possible.
Especially my daughter, Dorothy.
Dorothy, stand up and take a bow.
(whistling)
If I'm not mistaken, all the waiters were whistling at me.
Maybe they never saw anyone eat a steak that fast.
OK, on with the award. Oh, God. This is it!
Good luck, honey. Break a leg.
Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!
The winner of this year's Volunteer Vanguard Award is Rose...
Yes! ...hand me that glass of water, please.
Wow! What a surprise!
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in history,
we have a posthumous winner - Agnes Bradshaw!
It's a fix! She's dead!
She doesn't need that on her mantel - she's on her mantel!
Uh, at this time, the Awards Committee would like
to ask Agnes' dear friend and our favorite runner-up,
Rose Nylund, to accept the award for her.
What a surprise.
I am absolutely speechless.
Except for the one that I have prepared.
Laughter from the audience.
What can I say about my good friend Agnes?
I'll never forget the last time I spoke to her.
She said, "Rose, I don't understand you.
You work so much harder than the rest of us."
And I remember I said,
"Well, couldn't this wait just a minute? I'm reading to the blind."
That's enough, Rose. Oh, but it's so golden.
Let it go. Come on, let it go.
Let it go, you loser!
Thank you, Rose Nylund. Let's give her a big hand.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
Uh, Dorothy, I'd like you to meet Irving Kapella.
He's the one who did the ice sculptures. Aren't they nice?
75% off.
Irving would very much like to take you out
for some cappuccino and salsa dancing.
Maybe some other time.
Hey, I thought we had a deal.
Ma, what is he talking about? What kind of deal?
Pussycat, you know how much I love you.
You sold me, didn't you?
I didn't know what to do. I had no budget.
Oh, my God. Now it all makes sense.
Why the hat-check guy serenaded me with "Moon River."
Why the chef gave me that extra large cut of beef.
Why the bus boy did that thing with his tongue.
Ma, how could you do this?
OK. Hey, Irving. Huh?
Sorry. Our deal is off. My daughter doesn't want to go out with you.
But we shook on it and everything.
If it makes you feel any better, I'll go out with you.
Instead of her, I go out with you? Right.
OK.
It's so good to see you again, Blanche.
And who have we here?
Hello, I'm Susan Dodd. I'm Clayton, Blanche's brother.
And this is Doug, he's my--
Fire! Fire! Everybody out!
Small fire.
It's out now.
So, who's for decaf?
Smooth!
Blanche, how could you do that?
What did you mean when you told me that you could accept my being gay?
Did you mean it was OK so long as I was celibate?
It was OK so long as I don't fall in love?
Doug is a part of the family now. My family.
And if you don't like it, then you don't have to be a part of my family.
Blanche, I've been thinking about Clayton and Doug,
and I have a question. What?
Why do men have nipples?
I have no idea. You think it's because God has a sense of humor
and isn't as uptight as the rest of us?
It's easier for you to say that, Sophia.
It's not your brother who's getting married to a man.
Hey, it's not like the guys in my family never kissed a man.
Of course, that was business.
Although there was that one hit man
who always had to have a flower in his lapel
and would hold the kiss of death a little longer than he had to.
Oh, look, I can accept the fact that he's gay,
but why does he have to slip a ring on this guy's finger
so the whole world will know?
Why did you marry George? We loved each other.
We wanted to make a lifetime commitment. Wanted everybody to know.
That's what Doug and Clayton want, too.
Everyone wants someone to grow old with.
And shouldn't everyone have that chance?
Sophia, I think I see what you're getting at.
I don't think you do.
Blanche, will you marry me?
Thank you, Sophia. I need to go talk to them.
Fine. But I'll need an answer. I'm not gonna wait for you forever.
Rose, honey, you feeling better? I'm still so ashamed.
Oh, Rose, nobody's gonna remember you even making that scene.
When we left, everybody was still talking about
Dorothy leading that busboy conga line.
Besides, there's always next year.
Well, I've made a decision.
I'm gonna throw myself into charity.
I'm gonna spend all my free time
making other people's lives better.
I lost sight of the real goal.
It isn't about fancy banquets.
It isn't about getting your name in the paper.
It isn't about winning the award next year.
There now, that's the spirit.
It's about getting that dead woman's name off of this one.
We have to talk. There is nothing for us to talk about.
I wasn't speaking to you.
I have just one question for you. OK.
Do you love him? What do you mean?
Well, you see, he's my baby brother,
and I've always felt it was my responsibility to look out for him.
So, I can't just let him get married to just anybody.
So, do you love him? I do. Very much.
Well, good, 'cause so do I. You mean that, Blanche?
Because Doug loves me for what I am, not for what he wants me to be,
or wishes I were.
I guess I deserve that. I guess you do.
Well, Clay, this is very difficult for me.
I still can't say I understand what you're doing,
but I do intend to try to respect your decision to do it.
I want you to be happy. I am happy, Blanche.
I know.
So, are you telling me you are ready to have a brand-new brother-in-law?
I suppose I am.
Now, look here. Now, he's not perfect.
Has a stubborn streak and a bad temper...
And he snores.
That'll just be our little secret.